Y'all. I promised you that I would be keeping it real here on Modern Femme. And let me tell you:
1. I haven't made my bed in weeks - and the worst part is that I don't care. Not because I no longer care about the divine pleasure of crisp and perfumed sheets, but because I'm too dang tired.
2. Since Mr. MF finished our basement, we've been eating tv in front of the television more often than not...we used to eat at the dining room table with place mats and cloth napkins and candles. Like grown-ups.
3. Laundry is my nemesis and never. seems. to. be. done.
4. I can't find my bluetooth headset. No idea where it went. It grew legs and walked away. This is annoying because I talk to my mother every morning and this morning had to hold the phone to my ear while balancing an umbrella, a glowing green smoothie and two bags on my walk to work.
5. Work. Ugh.
I could go on...but I'm going to stop there. No one likes a big whiner.
You know what? Maybe, in stopping there, I'll take a step back and look at the story I just told you all. Those five points are definitely a "glass half empty" view on my day-to-day. I wonder, what if I flipped my perspective? What if, instead of complaining and being a victim of my life, I presented the above situations as the results of choices I've made? After all, as Claire said in her Embracing Change post, you always have a choice:
1. For the past few weeks, I've made the choice to sleep in an extra 10 minutes in a warm toasty bed, instead of making the bed.
2. I make the choice at night to eat dinner out of a bowl on the couch with my husband, laughing together at bad tv, enjoying our new family room, rather than sitting down at the dining room table.
3. Maybe laundry never seems to be done because I'm always doing a load of laundry, since the washer and dryer are easily accessible from our new family room. But, I haven't run out of undergarments, and I always have clean clothes for Bebe. I'm just choosing to look at it as a glass-half empty situation.
4. I made the (foolish) choice to absent-mindedly stash my bluetooth somewhere obscure, and I keep making the choice to not tear the house apart looking for it. Instead, I often opt for another glass of wine and television surfing with the hubs, which, let's be honest, is a nicer way to unwind than hunting high and low for a small earpiece.
5. This is the biggest choice that I make, over and over again, everyday. I choose to come into a job that I know that I've grown out of, that doesn't capitalize on my talents, and that leaves me drained. I make a choice to complain about it instead of proactively doing something about it. I make a choice to shy away from considering what I might really want to do, because of my nasty inner critic's monologue (you might be familiar with it "it won't work...stay with what's safe...you'd never be good at that...you'd hate that eventually...). But in knowing this, I am in control of this situation, and I need my next choice to be what I'm going to do to change it.
Wow. That was really powerful for me, guys. I started this blog post feeling sorry for myself, but now I'm feeling a little more empowered. I think I'm onto something here. Thanks Claire!
Imperfectly yours,
xoxo,
MF
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
The Embracing Change Series - Rolling with Unexpected Change: Claire's Story
Happy 2013 all! I’m excited to start off 2013 by returning to our Embracing Change series.
The last two posts in the Embracing Change series have focused on women who sought out change in their own lives. Today’s post features Claire, a consummate “five-year” planner and academic into whose life walked an unplanned change agent, in the form of a US Naval Officer. The romance that sparked and blossomed between the PhD and the sailor was not something that Claire had planned on, but after years of a long-distance courtship, thousands of miles of driving and flying, and hours of phone calls, the two wed down the road from the restaurant where they first met. And as she tells us below, over the years of courtship and subsequent years of marriage, Claire has learned to loosen her grip on her five-year plan, embrace flexibility, and be open to multiple possibilities for the future.
The last two posts in the Embracing Change series have focused on women who sought out change in their own lives. Today’s post features Claire, a consummate “five-year” planner and academic into whose life walked an unplanned change agent, in the form of a US Naval Officer. The romance that sparked and blossomed between the PhD and the sailor was not something that Claire had planned on, but after years of a long-distance courtship, thousands of miles of driving and flying, and hours of phone calls, the two wed down the road from the restaurant where they first met. And as she tells us below, over the years of courtship and subsequent years of marriage, Claire has learned to loosen her grip on her five-year plan, embrace flexibility, and be open to multiple possibilities for the future.
MF: Hi Claire! Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed for this series. Can you tell our readers a little bit about the change that life presented to you?
I am married to a military officer, and since we’ve been married we’ve moved to a different state every two years. Our biggest move was in early 2012, when we moved from the Northeast (where I have lived for most of my life) to the Pacific Northwest – a process that involved living in four homes on two coasts over the course of eight months!
This also meant that I stopped working and taking classes, and came to an area of the country where I did not have any established personal, professional, or academic networks. I am planning to go back to work, recently obtained my professional state license, and am slowly starting to establish a professional network here. Still, it’s been a huge adjustment to go from having a full work/school schedule that took up 50+ hours of my week to being a primarily stay at home partner.
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| Packed up and ready to leave Claire's East Coast home... |
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| ...for her new West Coast location. |
For me, it’s keeping the perspective that it’s not a situation that was thrust upon me without my consent. I think often times, when a situation isn’t ideal or is limited in its options, it’s easy to see it as “no way out” or feel a bit like a martyr – but in reality, there are options, they just may come with other consequences that are more undesirable.
If the most important thing for me was to stay in the Northeast, then I could have decided not to move, but that would brought its own consequences such as an unhappy partner, expenses of two living quarters, and potential marital discord. I would rather be with my husband than suffer the consequences of refusing to move across the country. I chose to marry someone who serves the military, and everyday, I choose to stay in that marriage, which I know comes with many moves. When I look at it from that big picture, I’m very much an active participant in choosing our lifestyle of change. And with that as my framework, we are playing the best hand with the cards we were dealt, so to speak.
MF: That’s a great – and empowering - perspective to have! As a follow-on to that positive outlook, do you think there can be a silver lining to the unexpected changes life can present?
I think it can help broaden your perspective. Change inherently shakes up the status quo, and my understanding of what is “normal” becomes wider with each new situation. I’m also learning to become more flexible in thinking about what the future might hold.
At the same time, I value what remains constant in my life despite the changes: my spouse, who lets me make as many decisions as I can so that I can be an active participant in the change; relatives who welcome us when we manage to be there for holidays and send us cards and gifts when we cannot, so we still feel included no matter what; friends who come visit each time I move to a new place, and friends who aren’t phased by long absences in communication; my cell phone number, which I’ve had now for over a decade (trust me, this is invaluable when you move as often as we do).
MF: Now, for a little more self-reflection. Did anything surprise you when you were dealing with/adjusting to the change?
I am terrible with spare time!
Also, apparently, running out of cardboard boxes or misplacing my packing-tape gun is my emotional demise. (That may have been the low point, during the move from house one to house two.) However, two weeks into being at house three and being nearly unpacked, finding out that we have to move again two weeks later to house four, did not break me. The take-home? As long as I have the correct tools and supplies, I don’t mind tackling huge tasks.
MF: Packing-tape gun lessons aside, is there anything you would have done differently?
It’s hard to predict what life will be like when you move somewhere totally unknown - what kind of jobs are available? What will the commute be like? Where will you live? Where will you go for grocery/dry cleaning/auto repair/etc.? How will you make friends?
Even with a lot of research and a few helpful friends giving us advice, we still are finding things that we would do differently if we did had to do this exact move over again. Our neighborhood is nice, but now that we know the area better, there are other places we’d prefer to live. (Check in with me in six months to see if we’re moving again when the lease is up…) There are established means within the military to meet other families, and while it’s not the same as living near close friends, it certainly helps; I’m also slowly getting to know non-military people. There are projects and trainings I think I could have done while I was working on the east coast, which perhaps would have helped me to start networking professionally out here. But this is all in hindsight – we only had a couple of months notice before we knew for sure that we were moving to the Northwest, so in reality, there was very little time to do much planning.
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| A collection of hotel room keys from Claire's cross-country trip. |
MF: What advice do you have for people facing change in their lives?
Know that change, whether it’s good or bad, can be stressful, and don’t give yourself a hard time if you find it to be a challenge. Sometimes, you might not be happy, or you might find something to be difficult, but it might not necessarily mean that something is “wrong.”
Not being happy, I think, is different from being unhappy – I don’t think the two emotions are mutually exclusive. As you encounter and become adjusted to change, if you find yourself thinking, “I’m not as happy as I could/want to be,” don’t jump to the conclusion that it means you are unhappy. Think of it as a process of building back up to a place you want to eventually reach. And if you are having a bad day, acknowledge it for what it is – one day that didn’t go very well.
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| Claire's view from her home office on the East Coast.... |
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| ...and her view from her home office on the West Coast. |
MF: Any other thoughts you’d like to share?
Lest you think that this is an interview where wisdom is being dispensed from someone who embraces the changes with the zen attitude of a Buddha, I assure you that is not the case. I wish a lot of things were different: that it wasn’t so rainy in this part of the country; that the Northeast wasn’t a six hour flight away; that this town had a Chinese restaurant (No, really. We have Thai, Indian, Japanese, but no Chinese???); that I was still working at my old job, and still taking classes at my old school; that it’s easier to find a job; that someone would fold my laundry; that change wouldn’t be so hard. But I’ve known people who get stuck in a rut focusing on the change that they didn’t want to happen to them, and experiencing the situation as something they must suffer through; they seem stuck in “I can’t” and “it’s impossible” and “I have to,” and I know that I don’t want to get stuck there.
Many thanks to Claire for sharing her story with us. If you are in a similar situation as Claire and find yourself dealing with a change you didn't initiate, I hope her message of empowerment inspires you as much as it did me!
xoxo,
MF
Many thanks to Claire for sharing her story with us. If you are in a similar situation as Claire and find yourself dealing with a change you didn't initiate, I hope her message of empowerment inspires you as much as it did me!
xoxo,
MF
Friday, January 4, 2013
Drum Roll Please....My 2013 Personal Goals!
Hello my dears and happy Friday! I don't know about where you are, but it's colder than a witch's heart here. But this cold can't keep me down - after weeks of consideration, I'm excited and ready to share my 2013 goals with you guys!
You might remember that in November I spoke about my goal setting process. I've spent the last two months thinking about my personal development in 2013, and here are the goals I've come up with, in broad strokes:
Fitness: Walk 2+ miles every weekday. Do 45 - 60 minutes of yoga once a week. Consume two additional cups of vegetables and fruits at least 3 days a week, through such mediums as the Glowing Green Smoothie. Cook with whole grains such as quinoa and brown rice at least twice a week. Cook fish once a month. Drink at least 64 ounces of water during a weekday, and at least 32 ounces of water on a weekend-day.
Career: Write a statement of intent describing my desired next position in my professional community of practice. Take at least two professional classes this calendar year. Check twice a week (Monday and Friday) on job-post forums to see if any new opportunities match my statement. Apply as appropriate.
Intellectual: Read at least two non-fiction books this year (possible candidates: Bringing Up Bebe, The Omnivore's Dilemma). Watch at least four documentaries.
Cultural: Take Bebe out to at least one museum or kid-friendly event every month. Plan two weekend overnight trips (one in winter/spring, and one in summer) to areas within a three-hour drive from our house.
Spiritual: Attend at least two church services every month. Volunteer with my church at least once this year to cook meals for the homeless.
Wild Card: Undertake and document the Month of Glam project in May 2013.
Do you see what a difference it makes to get really specific about your goals? When I apply the SMART filter to my original goals, I go from well-intentioned but vague statements to specific and measurable action items. Now, of course, the challenge is to implement them!
I will be entering reminder alerts into my iPhone and work calendars to remind me of some of these action points. Putting a specific date (such as May for the Month of Glam project), also helps to solidify and target a goal that might have otherwise gotten pushed off over and over again throughout the year.
What do you think of my goals? And what goals have you set for yourselves in this new year?
xoxo,
MF
P.S. Am excited to announce that the next posting in the Embracing Change series will be going up next week! Stay tuned!!
You might remember that in November I spoke about my goal setting process. I've spent the last two months thinking about my personal development in 2013, and here are the goals I've come up with, in broad strokes:
- Fitness: Maintain and increase my physical exercise. Incorporate more vegetables, fruits, lean proteins and whole grains into my (and my family's) daily consumption.
- Career: Strengthen my skill set by taking continuing education classes. Look for a new career opportunity.
- Intellectual: Read more non-fiction books and watch more documentaries.
- Cultural: Take Bebe to museums and kid-friendly events. Take some family weekend trips.
- Spiritual: Attend church regularly. Volunteer with my church.
- Wild Card: Month of Glam project, as inspired by the lovely Dita Von Teese!
Fitness: Walk 2+ miles every weekday. Do 45 - 60 minutes of yoga once a week. Consume two additional cups of vegetables and fruits at least 3 days a week, through such mediums as the Glowing Green Smoothie. Cook with whole grains such as quinoa and brown rice at least twice a week. Cook fish once a month. Drink at least 64 ounces of water during a weekday, and at least 32 ounces of water on a weekend-day.
Career: Write a statement of intent describing my desired next position in my professional community of practice. Take at least two professional classes this calendar year. Check twice a week (Monday and Friday) on job-post forums to see if any new opportunities match my statement. Apply as appropriate.
Intellectual: Read at least two non-fiction books this year (possible candidates: Bringing Up Bebe, The Omnivore's Dilemma). Watch at least four documentaries.
Cultural: Take Bebe out to at least one museum or kid-friendly event every month. Plan two weekend overnight trips (one in winter/spring, and one in summer) to areas within a three-hour drive from our house.
Spiritual: Attend at least two church services every month. Volunteer with my church at least once this year to cook meals for the homeless.
Wild Card: Undertake and document the Month of Glam project in May 2013.
Do you see what a difference it makes to get really specific about your goals? When I apply the SMART filter to my original goals, I go from well-intentioned but vague statements to specific and measurable action items. Now, of course, the challenge is to implement them!
I will be entering reminder alerts into my iPhone and work calendars to remind me of some of these action points. Putting a specific date (such as May for the Month of Glam project), also helps to solidify and target a goal that might have otherwise gotten pushed off over and over again throughout the year.
What do you think of my goals? And what goals have you set for yourselves in this new year?
xoxo,
MF
P.S. Am excited to announce that the next posting in the Embracing Change series will be going up next week! Stay tuned!!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Winter minimalist
Saw a Modern Femme walking at a fast clip through the Metro this morning. Her blond hair fell in a straight line down her back. Her patent leather flats (and bare ankles) flashed defiantly through the cold morning air. Loved her bag most of all - the white body and black handles drew my eye, and its simple lines echoed the sleek minimalism of her outfit. She looked like an ice princess, ready to tackle the dragons waiting for her at work.
Happy new year, my dears!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Happy Boxing Day! And a Christmas Recap
Hello my dears!
I hope that everyone had a marvelous Christmas...or if you don't observe Christmas, a fabulous couple of days off.
I can hardly believe that it's Boxing Day. Christmas arrived like a hurricane, with Mr. MF and I desperately trying to hold on and get everything done before the day dawned. We had a wonderful Christmas at Chez MF, celebrating with family who were kind enough to drive down to be with us, and Facetiming with those who were elsewhere.
I will get around to posting some pictures of the festivities later this week (once I've gathered them all from the various cameras on which they reside), but as I'm thinking of it, let's have a quick "Christmas lessons learned" post on the past few weeks.
Lesson #1: You can never have enough ribbon, and the ribbon you do have won't be enough. The standard ribbon roll is deceiving and often only has enough to cover one big package and maybe a small package. I had to make an emergency ribbon run this year because I ran out halfway through wrapping. My mother and aunt told me that they went all out at Costco and bought ribbon and packs of gift tags, splitting their loot, and still have plenty left over. I think that sound brilliant. "To do" list? Checked!
Lesson #2: Save the gift boxes you get for next year. This year I did 95% of all my shopping online, and most of the gifts I bought didn't come with a gift box. To add insult to injury, the stores where I did shop in person were saavy enough to charge for gift boxes. Outrageous! I'm saving all my gift boxes from this year for next Christmas.
Lesson #3: As always, Nigella Lawson rocks. Using her Nigella Christmas cookbook, I prepared a wide assortment of recipes for the various holiday parties I hosted over the weekend and into Christmas eve. The following were huge hits: Chocolate Chip Chili, Spoonbread, Steamed Chocolate Pudding, and the delectable Poinsettia cocktail.
Lesson #4: Remember where you put your light timers. Mr. MF and I love using light timers so that we don't have to mess with unplugging the Christmas lights on our trees. We program the timers for a 4:30pm "on" and a 9:30pm "off" and we're set for the season. The exterior tree has a manual timer that gets packed away with the Christmas decorations every year, but the indoor tree's digital timer is often used at other times of the year when we're going on holiday. Which is why it's important to remember where you put your timers so that you don't have to constantly plug and unplug your tree's lights, gnashing your teeth in frustration because you know that the light timer is somewhere...only to find it right in front of your face on Christmas night.
Lesson #5: Here are the stores that came through for me big-time for gifts this Christmas season: One King's Lane; Stella and Dot; Amazon; Lands End; Old Navy; and Ikea (for children's toys).
Lesson #6: Be sure to plan out time for the little Christmas activities you'd like to do, otherwise they may not get done. I didn't get around to doing the following things, despite my best intentions: making a homemade handprint ornament with Bebe (will be doing that this weekend!); having a Christmas movie night with Mr. MF; throwing a low-key holiday lunch for family and friends; making homemade stocking stuffers (homemade chutneys, jams, infused spirits); making sugar cookies to handout as party favors to friends; going to a performance of the Nutcracker ballet; and doing an "ooooh-cruise" where you drive around neighborhoods and admire the festive holiday decorations.
I hope that everyone had a marvelous Christmas...or if you don't observe Christmas, a fabulous couple of days off.
I can hardly believe that it's Boxing Day. Christmas arrived like a hurricane, with Mr. MF and I desperately trying to hold on and get everything done before the day dawned. We had a wonderful Christmas at Chez MF, celebrating with family who were kind enough to drive down to be with us, and Facetiming with those who were elsewhere.
I will get around to posting some pictures of the festivities later this week (once I've gathered them all from the various cameras on which they reside), but as I'm thinking of it, let's have a quick "Christmas lessons learned" post on the past few weeks.
Lesson #2: Save the gift boxes you get for next year. This year I did 95% of all my shopping online, and most of the gifts I bought didn't come with a gift box. To add insult to injury, the stores where I did shop in person were saavy enough to charge for gift boxes. Outrageous! I'm saving all my gift boxes from this year for next Christmas.
Lesson #4: Remember where you put your light timers. Mr. MF and I love using light timers so that we don't have to mess with unplugging the Christmas lights on our trees. We program the timers for a 4:30pm "on" and a 9:30pm "off" and we're set for the season. The exterior tree has a manual timer that gets packed away with the Christmas decorations every year, but the indoor tree's digital timer is often used at other times of the year when we're going on holiday. Which is why it's important to remember where you put your timers so that you don't have to constantly plug and unplug your tree's lights, gnashing your teeth in frustration because you know that the light timer is somewhere...only to find it right in front of your face on Christmas night.
Lesson #5: Here are the stores that came through for me big-time for gifts this Christmas season: One King's Lane; Stella and Dot; Amazon; Lands End; Old Navy; and Ikea (for children's toys).
Lesson #6: Be sure to plan out time for the little Christmas activities you'd like to do, otherwise they may not get done. I didn't get around to doing the following things, despite my best intentions: making a homemade handprint ornament with Bebe (will be doing that this weekend!); having a Christmas movie night with Mr. MF; throwing a low-key holiday lunch for family and friends; making homemade stocking stuffers (homemade chutneys, jams, infused spirits); making sugar cookies to handout as party favors to friends; going to a performance of the Nutcracker ballet; and doing an "ooooh-cruise" where you drive around neighborhoods and admire the festive holiday decorations.
What did you do this Christmas season that you will (or won't) repeat for Christmas 2013?
xoxo,
MF
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