Sleep, how I miss you.

As the mother of a newborn, I'm used to the up-at-night routine.  I've become very spoiled - I'm blessed to have a laid-back baby who is a champ at self-soothing, and who now generally entertains himself at naptimes and bedtime by sucking on his fists until he conks out.  Slowly but surely, over the last few months we've progressed from a 6:30 bedtime with 30 minutes of heavy fussing to a 6:30 bedtime with no fussing at all.  My nighttime feedings went from three to two to one.  Life was good.

And then, this weekend came.  And everything changed.  I don't know if it's because he's been under the weather with a low grade fever, or because of our trip north for his baptism and the change in scenery, or because he's going through a growth spurt or a milestone, but for the last three nights, my 4 (almost 5) month old has been up all hours of the night.  It started on Monday night, when he woke up every two hours.  I'd comfort him and then he'd drift back to sleep.  Then Tuesday, he woke up and wouldn't settle down to sleep, even after nursing.  Last night I gave up trying to put him back into his crib - he screamed bloody murder when I did - and so he spent the entire night in bed curled up next to me, dream-nursing.

I do not like having him in the bed with me - I worry about him rolling face first into our pillow top mattress and smothering himself, or his titanium boned father rolling over him in his sleep - and so when my eyes drifted shut last night it was out of exhaustion and into a twilight sleep filled with bizarre dreams.

I'm exhausted today.  I know that having a baby teaches those who might relish the control of an unchanging routine humility.  And I'm trying to be humble, and roll with the new (hopefully temporary) world order.  But I'm not happy about it.  I want to sleep.  I want my old schedule of a one-time night feeding back.  I want my self-soother baby back, not this loud creature who squalls with fury at two in the morning when he discovers he's alone in his crib.

I have my sleep books with me today, and will call my pediatrician and reach out to my mommy-friends to see what their experiences might have been.  But I know what the answer is.  Gut it out.  Don't undo the months of routine that got him to self-soothe in his crib by getting him used to co-sleeping, even if that means less sleep for you.  Neighbors, stuff cotton wool in your ears if the sound of a screaming baby drifts through our firewall at 2:00am.  Make more coffee in the morning.  Tell myself, "one day he'll be a teenager and sleep all the time."

Ugh. Sleep, I miss you.  I don't what I did to drive you away, but please came back.  Come back to our house...and make your first stop the nursery.

Yours in delirium,
xoxo
MF